[Two Pronged] Husband’s fantasies of pedophilia

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Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr. Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr. Holmes and Mr. Baer,

My husband just confessed to me that one of his fantasies is having sex with young children.  I don’t know what age the children were whom he fantasized about. I was so disgusted I couldn’t hear anything after that.

I am so confused.  I am also angry.   While I love my husband, I don’t know how I can forgive him for this. 

Also, I do not want to break the law. What agency must I report him to?

Please help me. I cannot eat, I cannot sleep, and when my husband sleeps next to me in bed, I feel like kicking him out of bed.        

– Maria

Dear Maria,

Thank you for your letter. 

While pedophilia should under no circumstances be tolerated and a normal reaction is often revulsion, you may want to take into consideration a few factors which may soften your hardcore reaction to your husband’s revelation.

First, if your husband has not acted out his fantasies, then they are just that — fantasies. Of course they are in a different category to regular fantasies but are they so different from fantasies involving domination, rape, other sorts of violence? All of these could be criminal if acted upon but the key factor is that they remain solely in the mind. No crime however has actually been committed. 

Secondly, your husband has admitted to these fantasies. You do not say why he has revealed these intimate details and before deciding how to react it would be important to know, for example, whether he was just nonchalant, or ashamed, or whatever. Was it an act of courage to make this admission, or simply self-revelatory, or what? And are these fantasies a recent development, or of long standing?

Thirdly, it opens the door to a dialogue and the suggestion that he should get treatment, if indeed treatment is appropriate. There is a huge difference between fantasizing over teenagers who are almost young adults and fantasizing over prepubescent children.

It would also be worthwhile considering the strength of your own reaction to his revelation. You seem to have immediately discarded any notion that his situation is redeemable. Of course you may have excellent reasons for this but if you do indeed love him it would be useful to examine whether there are issues in your marriage that should be addressed in greater detail.

All the best,

JAF Baer

Dear Maria,

Thank you very much for what you said and the way you express yourself in your letter.  It is so strong, primal, almost animalistic. Such strong reactions are welcome when you are  fighting for your very life — or your children’s lives — but when trying to decide what to do about your husband’s “confession,” maybe not.

Don’t get me wrong. I am not blaming you for feeling this way. Feelings, after all, are just that. It does not stigmatize you — especially if no one knows you felt/feel that way.

Neither does it mean you are seriously considering doing what you’ve fantasized about.

For example, kicking your husband out of bed. If this were simply a knee jerk reaction that you recognize as such, absolutely no problem. If you find yourself wondering what type shoes to kick him with — e.g., “would pointy or metal studded shoes hurt more?” Again, no worries. If you actually bought both pairs in a fit of anger but still did not kick him (with or without the shoes), then HALLELUIA!

You are on the way to mastering even more what all adults do: listening to yourself, discerning the true root/s of your anger/feelings, and choosing the more effective yet kinder course of action, and behaving accordingly.

Also, for all we know, your husband’s fantasies of sex with young children may be even milder than your fantasy of kicking him out bed.

Actually, I am in a quandary whether I should focus on the extent of your husband’s possible pedophilia or on what a great opportunity this is to allow yourself to be more vulnerable to, and more intimate with, him. Thus, a not only GREAT, but an almost perfect opportunity to become closer.

But somehow, this second option sounds tone deaf. I do not want to preach forgiveness when what is foremost in your mind is saving innocent children from abuse they don’t deserve (though…come to think of it, who ever does?).

I certainly do not want to heavy-handedly imply that what is more important is that you concentrate on encouraging your husband to share not only this fantasy but all the others he has, that maybe you and he can even do together. UH UH. Not when what might be primary in your mind is ensuring you are not perverting the course of justice by not reporting him.

Because the concerns that directly relate to your worries about pedophilia are of utmost importance right here and right now. Because you cannot concentrate on anything until you are reassured of what’s what.

For the avoidance of doubt, you are not undermining the rule of law when you keep silent about your husband. He has committed no crime. He has merely fantasized about something that is indubitably a crime, but only when acted upon.

Mr Baer suggested considering what sort of fantasies your husband has: Are they a recent development (like yours kicking him out of bed is) or of long standing? How often do they occur in a given amount of time? A mere 3 seconds once a day OR a 3-second break before the next 10-minute fantasy happens?

To be considered a pedophilic disorder, the fantasies must be characterized by recurrent, intense sexually arousing fantasies. At this time, we have no idea if his fantasies are anything like that. 

They can be merely fleeting, one among many fantasies he has with all sorts of people, animals, avatars, etc. Right now, all we now is that it is one of his fantasies.

I hope that, sooner rather than later, you can approach these fantasies more from a perspective of curiosity than of judgment and horror. Then you will both find out to what extent your husband — or both of you — need therapy.

When that happens, maybe it will be time to address other issues in your marriage, which if you let us, we will be very happy to do.

Wishing you the very best especially in realizing that this is the beginning of a painful but also possibly wonderful journey.

– MG Holmes

– Rappler.com