[Two Pronged] American expat frustrated with Filipina wife’s family

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Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr. Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

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Dear Dr. Holmes and Mr. Baer:

I am an American, 43 years old. I married my Filipina pen pal, second marriage for me, first marriage for her. We have been living in the Philippines for the last 2 years.

Everything was perfect in the beginning-she was like a dream wife: attractive, long hair. I love that in a woman. She also makes me decide everything and agrees with everything I say.

I remember telling myself she was too good to be true. I see now I was right.

Other men like me — who leave the States for a wife abroad — warned me about our new brides’ family. They take advantage of their daughters’ rich American husbands.

When we started writing each other, she was working as a sales representative for a pharmaceutical and the rest of her family were living in Camarines Sur.

After a year her family – mother, father, 2 brothers and 1 sister still going to school came to visit us.  I wondered why her father kept on asking me how many bedrooms we had. and even suggested we could divide our living room so there could be an extra bedroom downstairs. “What business of his was our house?”

When I asked my wife, she said “it’s because I am his daughter and he cares for me”.

I told her “Well, you are now my wife. And I care for you too. Plus, I am now taking care of you.”

That did not impress her, but I let it go.

Other things I cannot let go of. They now come to the house every weekend, staying late into the night, having lunch and dinner here.

Last Saturday night, because it was getting late, the brothers made a joke that they should just sleep over to save them the transportation cost since they were coming over tomorrow anyway.

Everyone thought this funny except for me.  My wife noticed and probably gave them a signal, so they left.

But I was not born yesterday. I can see that this will be a problem later on. Any ideas?

Michael

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Dear Michael,

Cross-cultural marriages face many obstacles, including sometimes deep-seated beliefs on such subjects as parenting, children’s education, privacy, religion, extended family ties, punctuality, etc.

It obviously helps if these are discussed before tying the knot but not all problems are evident on day 1 so a process to explore and resolve differences is often helpful.

Ideally spouses should be able to sit down and discuss these differences in a rational and dispassionate way. Each will have their own cultural traditions and expectations and it is critical that these should be explained and heard in a positive way. If both parties feel heard and understood, a successful outcome to what are effectively negotiations should be achievable. Patience and a willingness to compromise are vital.

In this case, it seems that your wife sees you as having now joined a Filipino family, with all that that entails, whereas you are more concentrated on maintaining your distance as many western foreigners do. You need to explore where an acceptable middle ground might exist, which means recognition of both cultures. 

For example, you could agree a schedule for visits or a contribution to transportation costs. If negotiations prove tricky, you can always use a mediator or couples therapist to help smooth the way. Best of luck.

– JAFBaer

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Dear Michael:

Thank you very much for your letter.  I am so happy that Mr Baer has given a paradigm under which you can acknowledge what you could have done (talk about possible difficulties before the marriage). 

I am not blaming you. Honest. I realize this can be an impossible task, especially if one’s major means of communication is written (as I presume it might be with pen pals).  Without the benefit of video calls, etc. there are fewer available clues to gauge what your future partner really feels about your thoughts (including possible solutions to possible future problems you — and she — were warned about by people who “had been there, done that and do not necessarily understand the particular circumstances of your relationship…especially if they are more interested in spouting advice, rather than listening to you). 

These clues include posture, facial expressions, pauses and tone of voice while conversing in real time.

Acknowledging that I may be just as ignorant of other circumstances in your relationship that you have not shared with me, I hope you will not mind some observations that have been confirmed(?) by my clinical practice.

However, before I go any further, I would like to suggest you take a look at “21 Pros and Cons about living in the Philippines in 2024”.

Nina Clapperton does not discuss intercultural relationships, but her writing suggests she could also do that well. 

Another observation:  You appreciate the Filipino stereotypes that please you, having no quarrel with said qualities:  “attractive, long hair…makes (you) decide everything and agrees with everything (you) say.”

And yet, you rail against the stereotypes that don’t please you.  

I do not blame you. For the avoidance of doubt, I understand (AND sympathize AND even agree with the reasons you support the stereotypical qualities you enjoy and are agitated by the stereotypes you don’t).

Everybody, in my opinion, would behave as you do.  

BUT it is only the realistic ones who honestly want to make their marriages work, who accept that you have to take the entire package. 

In your wife’s case: a physically attractive woman, responsive of your emotional needs. An example of this is how your wife immediately noticed your displeasure and just as quickly stopped her family from further  “jokes” (hints). 

You might want to ask yourself:

One, while her family’s growing presence in your house is certainly worth discussing at length, is it worth presenting an ultimatum about a situation that has yet to get worse? 

 Also, she too is probably aware of the pros and cons of having you for a husband, and it would be an excellent idea for you both to discuss expectations, as Mr. Baer suggests.  If you can keep these conversations (usually more than one, or even two, discussions) from becoming a slanging match, this could be the beginning of an even more intimate, more loving, and more accepting marriage. 

Second, undersigning each of your individual needs and deal breakers, perhaps together you can fend off her family’s machinations.  Being on the same side will certainly make your relationship a more formidable “opponent.”

Wishing you the best of luck.

– MG Holmes

– Rappler.com