1 day ago
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Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr. Margarita Holmes.
Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.
Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.
Dear Dr. Holmes and Mr Baer,
I, at 50 years of age, am happily married to my wife (48). We have been happy for 26 years, except for when she caught me being unfaithful with my secretary. She insisted I fire her, which I did because I love my wife and considered my secretary a plaything. This was when I was 32 years of age. I am now a perfect husband and have been since I repented for my infidelity all those years ago.
But my son, 21 years of age, is studying to be an architect like his father. He constantly brings his college classmates home. One of them is a girl (also 21). She has been showing interest in me.
I once took her home and she touched my thigh when she left the car. The next day she sent me a text suggesting we meet, because she wanted help for her assignment. She suggested coffee.
The problem is she also asked me not to tell my son because he might be hurt she did not ask him. Her request is appropriate. I, too, experienced the fear and uncertainty completing my architectural assignments when I was her age.
I want to help her because no one helped me. But I am afraid my wife will misunderstand. I think being more careful than I was at 32 is the best solution. Mr Baer, what do you think?
– Jethro
Dear Jethro,
Thank you for your message.
You describe your dilemma quite starkly. You survived your early sexual indiscretion with your (then) secretary by becoming what you call ‘a perfect husband’. Now you are faced with the opportunity to help a young student by offering her the mentoring that you never had when you were her age. Your concern is that this may be misunderstood by your wife.
The conservative approach to your problem would be to avoid any possibility of perceived impropriety by distancing yourself from any situation with this young girl which could be misinterpreted. No coffee, no occasion when you are alone together, no mentoring however well intentioned. The upside of this is that no one can find fault with your behavior; the downside is you will miss the chance to perform a philanthropic act.
The middle course would be to go ahead but always ensuring that all your meetings are suitably chaperoned while the most liberal would be a ‘devil may care’ attitude where you simply deal with any consequences if and when they arise.
Your choice will require you to analyze your motivation and identify the extent to which this proposed mentoring is in fact a disinterested philanthropic act or rather an opportunity to spend time, under the guise of academic support, with an attractive young women less than half your age who you think has shown interest in you.
Based solely on your message, even a casual observer would probably conclude that your concerns about your wife’s interpretation already suggest that you recognize you are contemplating some form of emotional infidelity at the very least and I would therefore strongly recommend that you choose the health of your marriage ahead of any embrace of fake philanthropy.
All the best,
– JAF Baer
Dear Jethro:
Thank you very much for your letter. Thank you too, Mr Baer, for summarizing first, the possible options Jethro might have, and the implications of each action. I feel a need (perhaps unnecessary) to underscore your much needed contribution because you write like a Brit (succinct, to the point) whereas I read like a Filipino — like many of our readers are — and thus might miss the brilliance and comprehensive nature of your letter. Lord knows I would have, had I not read it thrice! — soweeee!
At any rate, because of your even-handed approach, I now have the liberty to hypothesize, which I would have dared not do, if I could not count on you to present what is seemingly judgmental but ultimately fair.
So… my first reaction is: Jethro, you may well think “Her request is appropriate” but I suggest you ask any female OR your son and any of his barkada. If they agree with your conclusion, then go! If even one of them doesn’t, then you will have to ask yourself if what Mr Baer calls your “fake philanthropy” (the very first hint he was not completely objective and even handed…which does not negate the fact that his description may well be accurate) might be exactly that: Fake philanthropy to match her fake request for help. Don’t get me wrong, She may actually need help (in ethics, if not anything else — meow meow). I concede she may even need help in your area — architecture.
However, surely there are other people she can ask for such help. If asking her professors is considered unacceptable because it is the easy way out, then asking you, who presumably knows as much as they, would also be unacceptable.
She knows enough to know your son may be hurt by her actions. Not only does she still go ahead, she also asks you to collude by deceiving your son as well!
I notice she did not ask you not to tell your wife. Is this because she is so naïve she does not think your wife will be “hurt” or, I daresay, angry?…or because she does not care? After all, “Matira ang matibay” (to the victor belongs the spoils) and all is fair in love and war.
Yes, yes, I realize I may be judging the possibly truly helpless, thigh brushing young lady too harshly, but you know something? Perhaps the best mentoring she can get from you – with others present – is showing her how her behavior to ensure your help does not convince you that helping her is the best course of action, presuming of course that she truly wants to be a successful architect.
Her reassurance included her message that she is a caring person, unwilling to hurt your son especially if you are willing to drive a wedge between you and her ability to promise future rewards as any male might predict from her TTT (texting and thigh-touching) behavior.
A benefit of education is friendship among your cohorts who can send work your way and no animosity from your cohort’s relatives (in this case your son’s mother) which may result in your son’s unwillingness to help her, if only to appease his mom.
I am sorry that only negative scenarios come to mind, but clinical experience has taught me that very few good things can happen if the seeker of mentoring has set the stage for much more than that.
All the best,
– MG Holmes
