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Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr. Margarita Holmes.
Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.
Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.
Dear Dr. Holmes and Mr. Baer:
Ian, my boyfriend of six months, is becoming cold. Before, he was every girl’s dream boyfriend, but now he is every girl’s nightmare.
We met on a dating app seven months ago. On our first meeting, I already shared the story of my first relationship; how my boyfriend betrayed me after we had vowed to be exclusive.
To my horror, I found out he was dating other women, not even mentioning that we were already supposed to be exclusive to one another.
I only found out because my work colleague saw him with another woman at a bar. When I confronted him, he couldn’t deny it.
He didn’t even say he was sorry! I never felt so betrayed before. Because of that, I told Ian I have a phobia about being lied to.
It is not my fault. I think it is merely a reaction to what sort of man my first boyfriend was, how badly he treated me.
He is the reason the minute Ian is out of my sight, I get nervous and try to find out exactly where he is. And if he is free, why is he not with me then?
Ian understood all this; I made sure to put all my cards on the table on our first date. Because of that, he understood what I had been through and understood what things triggered me. He was also very patient with me and reassured me I was safe with him.
He quickly answered all my texts and always let me know where he was.
Whenever I needed to be reassured, he was ready to do what was needed. Sometimes I would get upset when I didn’t hear from him at the exact time he said he would call. Sometimes I may have shouted and accused him of being with other girls when there was really no cause for me to think that, and he still apologized.
But he’s changed. Now he is not as warm and kind as he used to be. Sometimes, he shows his impatience. My crying doesn’t affect him as much as it used to. What can I do to bring the old Ian back?
Please help. I am desperate.
Ainee
Dear Ainee,
Your relationship with Ian is only six months old so it is still in its infancy. You have chosen to tell him about how your first boyfriend (let’s call him Jaime) cheated on you, and that as a result, you have a phobia about lying. He has learnt that you keep a close eye on him, constantly check on his whereabouts and tend to think the worst if you cannot track his movements. You have learned that he is willing to reassure you at every turn and to put up with your need to control the relationship minute by minute.
This state of affairs led you to believe that he was the ideal boyfriend. However, you now notice that he has recently become colder towards you, is inclined to impatience and less moved by your tears. As a result you would like to encourage the reappearance of the “old” Ian.
Perhaps it is a good time to assess the viability of how you approach this relationship. While it is understandable that you were badly affected by your previous boyfriend’s infidelity and subsequent lack of remorse, you seem to have been treating Ian as though he were a second Jaime from the outset, despite a total lack of evidence as you yourself admit.
You have been relentlessly policing his every move and it is not unreasonable to think that maybe he has begun to tire of this. He probably thought that with reassurance and support you would get over your anxieties but has started to suspect that they may be a permanent feature of your psyche.
If you are to rescue this relationship it might be useful to address the difficulties you seem to have distinguishing between genuine red flags and situations where your past exacerbates your tendency to overreact and imbue minor events with excessive importance, e.g. a text a few minutes late equating to infidelity.
You may be able to do this alone, but therapy would certainly help you overcome historical trauma. The key to future relationships is in your hands.
All the best,
JAFBaer
Dear Ainee,
Thank you very much for your letter. I hope you won’t be bored reading my part of the letter. Since I agree with Mr. Baer 100%, I may seem to merely repeat what he’s said. But in the same way Mr. Baer presumes you can discern between actual infidelity and projected infidelity, I too presume you can tell when I show you proof of your unfairness towards Ian (based on your actual words).
Honestly, it would have been foolish for me to do that if Mr. Baer had not laid a convincing argument for why you have to change.
Changing one’s behavior is difficult, especially if said behavior has worked so well to ease your pain. That is the reason Mr. Baer suggested therapy.
However, in case you need convincing to get therapy, I hope quoting your words might give you pause.
You wrote, and I quote: “I have a phobia about being lied to. It is not my fault. I think it is merely a reaction to what sort of man my first boyfriend was, how badly he treated me.”
Let us stop finding fault, but perhaps focus on whose responsibility it is to stop doing what you do — which is to presume he is guilty even if his behavior does not warrant this.
Surely you agree that it is no one else’s responsibility but yours? That is the first thing therapy would help you with. If you no longer need this, then let us look at another of your statement: “He (your ex) is the reason the minute Ian is out of my sight, I get nervous and try to find out exactly where he is.”
Actually, this is more of the same. However, the fact that you mention this at least twice in one letter shows the strength of your belief. If you want Ian back, hopefully not as the mealy mouthed man trying to appease you for something he didn’t do, but as an individual who takes responsibility for his actions, and not anybody else’s, then yes, go to therapy OR apologize to Ian and perhaps ask him to flag you whenever you become the old, untrusting you.
However, if you don’t change and just want the old Ian back, then I hope to God HE is tired of constantly being blamed and refuses to come back unless you’ve changed.
From someone who cares and wishes the best for you (believe it or not).
– MG Holmes
– Rappler.com
