[Two Pronged] Casual attitude towards sex in the US confuses Filipina

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Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr. Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer:

I am a Filipina doing my masters in one of the universities in the American Midwestern. I am 27. I am used to being courted by Filipinos in the Philippines, but not by Americans here in the US.  I do not know if “courting” is really the correct way to call it.  

One thing that I have difficulty with is how casual sexual relationships are here. That is the impression I get when, if I have a good time, even on the first date, and I kiss my date (something I never did on the first date in the Philippines) my American date presumes this is a prelude to premarital sex that can happen even on the first date!

I tried explaining this to my dates, that we don’t do that in the Philippines, but they seem clueless. “Why not?” they ask. “Why should you care what others do or don’t?”

Sometimes I feel why bother? But my father made my mother’s life so unhappy with his philandering ways, I made a promise to myself never to marry a man like him. 

I was sad to learn that in my high school barkada of 7 girls, 6 of us had mothers who were victims of infidelity. The only girl that did not have a (step) father who fooled around was an American postman who retired in the Philippines and married her mother.

I was hoping to marry an American, but I am finding it difficult to deal with them because of their attitude towards premarital sex.  I wish it did not bother me so much! Any advice would be appreciated.

– Beth

Dear Beth:

Thank you for your message.

Premarital sex raises important issues, both cultural and religious, and you have highlighted the differences between Filipino and American attitudes. However, it is not clear why you personally have reservations. 

Are these merely the result of your upbringing in an ostensibly Catholic and conservative society or do they for example have some religious basis (admittedly you do not allude to such)?

Premarital sex is viewed in a far more homogenous way in the Philippines than in the US. 

Purity is still prized and society presents a more or less uniform condemnation of premarital sex, notwithstanding the social realities e.g. the Philippines has one of the highest teenage pregnancy rates in ASEAN. 

The US on the other hand is a cultural melting pot and not surprisingly presents a plethora of conflicting cultural and religious attitudes, not to mention a significant percentage of agnostics/atheists. Views on premarital sex are naturally reflective of these differences, with a spectrum running from viewing having sex as little different to sharing a beer at one extreme to purity rings at the other.

You ask: why bother? You are facing a genuine cultural disconnect and compromising your values just to fit in is perhaps not the wisest move. 

Continue to be clear about your boundaries and look for dating opportunities where you can meet people with similar values, such as community groups, religious organizations, or international student associations where others might share your perspective. The right partner — American or otherwise — should appreciate your views about relationships rather than seeing them as obstacles.

Finally, your comments on philandering suggest that you conflate premarital sex with marital infidelity. This is perhaps valid where the partners share the same views on commitment but expectations of commitment before marriage can vary widely whereas commitment after marriage is, at least in theory, unconditional.

While your desire to avoid painful family patterns is understandable and eminently sensible, you should perhaps consider a more nuanced approach if you want to avoid setting too high a bar to developing relationships.

All the best.

– JAFBaer

Dear Beth:

Thank you very much for your letter. In my opinion, Mr Baer is absolutely right when he says: “your comments…suggest that you conflate premarital sex with marital infidelity”.

Because your letter seems to imply that, if they are liberal enough to enjoy premarital sex, they are, ipso facto, liberal enough to be unfaithful, which is patently untrue.  

There is yet another conflation; and that is between infidelity and nationality. 

In a way, this conflation might be more understandable. Realizing your father, a Filipino, was unfaithful to your mother must have hurt you so much you decided it would never happen to you.  When all your friends, save one, also had fathers who were also unfaithful, you must have generalized this trait to all Filipinos. 

When the only faithful husband you knew of was an American, you must have presumed that it would be best to marry one.

You seem to have decided that having an American husband would protect you from infidelity.

That is not true, of course, but in an uncertain world, perhaps it is better to have anting anting (a talisman) to protect you from infidelity to hedge your bets.

I am pretty sure your logical self realizes there is no “formula” that can guarantee a marriage 100% safe from affairs.

Affairs are a matter of emotion, and not of logic. So far, no evidence suggests that a particular nationality, religion, age-gap, occupation (even pastors and ministers!) can prevent affairs.

Indeed, infidelity is one of the most painful experiences a relationship can go through.  It is not only the betrayed spouse that suffers, but also the children of the marriage, the social circles the couple belong to,  and oftentimes, the philanderer himself.

Relationships are complex; and a formula that puts the blame only on the philanderer is oftentimes simplistic and not nuanced enough. 

You cannot paint all Filipinos as future philanders, nor Americans as future faithful husbands.  

If your prejudices are not too firmly entrenched, perhaps it would be better to give all men with qualities that appeal to you a level playing field, be they Filipino, American, or Mongolian. If you can bear to give up another bias, perhaps you can give the benefit of the doubt to men who presume premarital sex follows dates.  

As Alexander Pope once wrote “Hope springs eternal in the human breast,” especially if that is what the man is used to. 

BUT as long as he doesn’t insist you behave as all his former dates have done, and, even better, he may find your stance charming and worth pursuing, then matira ang matibay (may the best man win!).

Good luck and happy hunting or — what is probably more common in the Philippines (but even American men can be taught 😊) — be happy being hunted (and yes, yes, even if you drop several heavy hints that that is what you expect).

– MG Holmes

– Rappler.com