How do you spot a “performative male” — and do you need to?

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The internet's latest harmless-looking warning sign is a potential Halloween costume

At this point, the anatomy is clear: A tote bag with a dangling Labubu, a totally full and never consumed glass of matcha, and wired earphones (blasting a song from your “sad girl autumn” playlist) ready to be shared. The bonus items would either be a Sally Rooney paperback or a hard-to-find title from Sylvia Plath’s repertoire (which he managed to miraculously snag — maybe he likes feminist literature that much, right?) Spoiler alert: Not exactly.

As Sabrina Carpenter says in “Manchild,” “It’s all just so familiar. Baby, what do you call it?” Well, the internet has named him the “performative male.” In case it hasn’t reached your feed yet, the “performative” part stems from how this certain type of guy curates his persona not to win over his fellow men’s approval (contrary to the popular reality of many of them carrying a “boys’ club” mentality) and not in a loud manner that’s obviously seeking attention. 

Rather, in charming nonchalance and a mysterious “show, don’t tell” way, he seeks the validation of women in hopes of appearing a progressive feminist who absolutely gets them. Hence, the aesthetic elements he plants to harvest “green flags” later on. For some reason, he knows the “very obscure” neighborhood cafe and thrifting spot the girls visit on Saturday mornings, too.

The first time I had to explain the meme to someone, I described it as the evolved “soft boy.” He’s the seemingly emotionally intelligent and sensitive guy — whom I encountered a lot in my teens to early 20s — but would turn out to be the opposite once they’re done wooing you.

The “performative male” operates the same way, only now it’s a more distinct archetype — so much so that contests have spread from Jakarta to New York. And while the whole ensemble seems harmless, the agenda-driven tailor-fitting to women’s tastes and principles — and not genuinely aligning with them — is what’s dangerous. Manipulative territory, even.

But does this mean men aren’t allowed to like these things now? Of course they are. That’s the antithesis of this meme in the first place — realness. A guy who orders matcha and listens to Clairo next to you isn’t performative if he’s actually interested in them (he doesn’t even need to really like them), and not because he wants to be seen as desirable and would later exploit your emotions. A guy who explores feminist literature isn’t performative if he reads to understand women’s struggles sincerely, and not because he only wants to take advantage of their interest — because, hey, he doesn’t seem like other guys.

Of course, the topic of authenticity can be tricky in our hyperconnected world. In one way or another, we curate our images online, and each of us have our own audience (remember when “performative reading” was a thing this year, too?). But how the “performative male” has been painted as a warning sign — and how almost every person knows a real-life example — is indicative enough of how supposedly harmless interests have been used to weaponize emotions. There’s a reason why some guys themselves are in on this joke.

At the end of the day, it pokes fun at deception, a softened form of toxic masculinity. If you’re also in on the joke — and feel secure enough with yourself — we prepared a short shopping list for a “performative male” costume for the fun of it. Whether you’re sporting it for Halloween or a “performative male” contest you’re itching to start in your city, here are quick picks you can enjoy for real, too:

A canvas tote bag

A statement tote bag is like the cousin of a statement shirt, but more subtle. In this case, it’s even more subtle — saying “stuff happens” during a inconvenience can amplify that “emotionally sensitive” aura.

🛒: Teens canvas tote bag with “Stuff Happens” print

A dangling Labubu

Labubus are everywhere now, but it can still add to the shtick because hey, the fact that you’re not afraid to carry this around with you can make you look interesting. Also, it’s a potential small talk starter.

🛒: Pop Mart The Monsters Big into Energy series vinyl plush pendant blind box

A glass of matcha

It’s the ultimate “performative male” prop, sure, but please don’t waste this precious drink. (Or better yet, give your skeptic self a chance?)

🛒: UCC matcha latte instant mix

Wired earphones

It has the appeal of “reject modernity, embrace tradition”. What a cool guy.

🛒: Apple EarPods with USB-C

A Sally Rooney paperback

Jokes aside, this book is an immersive dive into the nuances of complicated human relationships. It might be a good starting point to know yourself — and the person you’re talking to — deeper.

🛒: “Normal People” by Sally Rooney in paperback

— Rappler.com

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