Finding the right person

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Two former college classmates met by chance. One look, and they were back in the days when adulthood felt as simple as choosing between Coke and Pepsi.

They found a café, ordered espresso and caught up on life. After a while, one asked, “So… how come you still haven’t married?”

His friend sighed. “To be honest, I spent years looking for the perfect woman.”

He explained, “In Barcelona, I met a woman who was beautiful and intelligent. For a moment I thought, ‘This is it!’ But she was terribly vain.

Then in Boston, I met someone outgoing and generous. I thought, ‘Here is the perfect woman.’ But later, I realized she was flighty and irresponsible.

So I kept searching… until one day I met her — beautiful, intelligent, kind, generous, funny. Perfect. The woman of my dreams.”

His friend leaned in. “Well then, what happened?”

The man took a sip and replied, “I soon discovered… she was looking for the perfect man.”

That punchline is funny until you realize it’s also painfully true.

The real problem with looking for the “perfect partner” is not that good people are rare. The problem is that the hunt for perfection can become a convenient way to avoid self-reflection. Some say they want “the right person,” but what they really want is someone who meets all their expectations while making very few demands on them.

They want someone emotionally stable when they are moody, forgiving when they keep records and spiritually mature when they resist correction.

That’s why this line is so wise: “The way to find the ideal match is not to find the right person, but to be the right person.”

Because the more we focus on discovering someone who meets all our requirements, the greater the chance that a truly good person will pass us by.

Since it’s Valentine’s Day, let’s talk about romance with substance. Here are five qualities worth cultivating — not so you can catch someone, but so you can keep someone.

Learn to say: “I’m sorry” and “I forgive you.”

These two lines are marriage oxygen. Without apologies, pride grows. Without forgiveness, bitterness grows. Apologizing doesn’t make you smaller; it makes you safer to live with. Forgiveness isn’t saying, “What you did was okay.” It’s saying, “I will not let what you did control what we become.”

Become the kind of person who helps others grow.

A marriage cannot be fulfilling unless both people grow. If one grows and the other refuses, it becomes painful. If both refuse, it becomes stale. Love asks: “Am I helping you become more of the person God designed you to be?”

Learn to argue constructively  —  without attacking the person.
Conflict is inevitable. The goal is not to win; it is to understand. Healthy couples don’t avoid arguments; they avoid contempt. Fight fair: no name-calling, no humiliating, no resurrecting ancient history and no silent treatment. Never treat your spouse like an enemy. If you turn your partner into your opponent, you may win arguments and lose intimacy.

Practice intimacy: warmth, affection, sharing, presence.
Some want the benefits of marriage but refuse vulnerability. They want companionship without conversation and closeness without effort. But intimacy doesn’t happen by accident; it happens by intention. Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is to put down your phone and be fully present. Real love is not measured by gifts; it’s measured by attention.

Be flexible enough to accept change.

It is unrealistic to expect your spouse — and yourself — to stay exactly the same forever. Life changes people. Seasons shape people. Marriage is learning to love the person you married — and learning to love the person they become.

I’ve been married to my Ilocana for many years, and every year the romance grows stronger. Not because we never had challenges, but because we worked at it. I learned a simple dynamic: I initiate, and she responds.

Can you imagine the stability of a home where children never fear that one day their father will stop coming home, and they see a mother who loves her husband deeply? That security becomes a child’s emotional foundation.

God wants marriages to work. Scripture says He hates divorce — not because He wants people trapped, but because He knows what divorce does: it tears the fabric of trust, stability and family.

So maybe the question isn’t, “Have you found the right person?” Maybe the better question is, “Am I becoming the right person?”

Because love is not just something you fall into. Love is something you build — daily, deliberately and by God’s grace.

And yes… I’m still learning. But I’m learning with gratitude. May your Valentine’s Day be filled with warmth, laughter and a love that deepens over time — because the best love stories aren’t perfect. They’re faithful.

Catch Kongversations with Francis on YouTube and all major podcast platforms—Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts and more. Plus, listen to Inspiring Excellence wherever you stream.